Please Let Me Help – Daddy’s Here Too.

Our little girl had some problems eating as an infant. We didn’t find out why until her 1 year dentist appointment. We learned then that she had an upper lip tie, which was the reason why she couldn’t breastfeed and other things. She also had acid reflux causing about a month and half of experimenting with formulas to find what would stay in her belly the best. 

It was rough. I remember one day specifically when it was very hard on me. I can’t remember why, but I was alone with her at the time (my wife might have been at work at the time) and just going through the normal day. Then nap time came. I checked all the boxes: clean diaper, feed, burped, and she was tired. Then everything goes wrong. She breaks out into a scream. I try everything. Rocking her, bouncing, and using her binky, but it’s all for not. After an eternity (about 10 minutes) my nerves break. I can’t do it. 

I was the worst dad in the world. I couldn’t calm down my little girl. The thoughts of being a failure flooded my mind. I’m breaking down mentally and emotionally. I put my baby down in her crib, went into my bedroom, and screamed into a pillow. With tears rolling down my face I texted my wife saying “I give up. I can’t do this anymore.” 

Have any of you felt this way? It’s probably the worst I’ve felt as a father. I’m supposed to be a protector, the hero, the one who makes it all better. I simply couldn’t do that.

Thankfully, it all got sorted out that day and life moved on. I’ve grown and developed better parenting skills. Fast forward to last night. Little girl is now a toddler and it’s showing. When I got home nothing was out of the ordinary. I sat down to eat with my wife. Our little one ate earlier, but wanted to eat again. So, we got her a small plate. Then she burst out screaming as we started to eat. She couldn’t get the piece of chicken with her fork. The fork went flying across the table like a dart. She’s on the floor screaming now. Nothing my wife or I said mattered at this point. After about 5 minutes she kinda calmed down, but was still very upset. Not the way I wanted to eat dinner, but it is what it is. My wife took her into her bedroom to try to get her to calm down as I finished dinner. Going to her bedroom didn’t help much so I took over so my wife could eat dinner and take a break for the rest of the night. After some time our little one calmed down. We are trying to teach her to talk about how she feels and voice her emotions, so I asked “do you want to talk about why you are upset?” Welp that was a mistake. A “you done messed up A-A-Ron” mistake. I pushed the wrong button and the screaming began again. As she’s crying for mommy, I remind her that daddy’s here and I can help, but it does little good and things only get worse. I sat there with little flashbacks to a couple years ago when I couldn’t “fix” the issue either. My wife came back and was able to distract our child’s mind and get her to the bath. 

I took over bath time while she was playing on her own while my wife cleaned up dinner. I was in the middle of trying to cope with what’s been happening when all of the sudden she gets upset at a bubble (yes a little bubble) and breaks out screaming again. We eventually pull her out and fight to get her into PJs and get her to bed for the night.

At this point in the night I’m done and go sit down to hopefully relax. With those little reminders being blocked out  by coping with endless scrolling of social media and then realizing it’s time for me to get ready for bed. 

Have any of you had this happen or felt the same way? After sleeping and being able to think about it with a clearer head, I was able to sort through my emotions. I logically know that my role to her is not the comforter. I am her playmate. I say logically because emotionally I struggle with this. I want so badly to be there for her, to hold her and make it better. That’s what dads do, right? But I couldn’t. I had to process those emotions of feeling inadequate and like a failure all over again. After getting my emotions under control I was able to discuss with my wife how I can be a better parent for our daughter in those moments. What could I have done differently? What other actions can I take? This was probably the most important thing I did. If I don’t ask and learn the tools that my wife has, then I won’t ever be a better father. This is just a season of life. This will change. My little girl will one day see me as a comforter and I’ll be able to fulfill my desires to be her “hero”. 

I’m not going to give up. I will keep going. If you’ve ever felt this way please do the same.